When I last shared my thoughts on all the problematic movie posters I’d been seeing, I thought it was a fairly definitive take that would easily last the year. Fortunately, there have been so many more weird posters released since then that I may have to make this a semi-regular thing. Let me know if I shouldn’t.
“What if your entire life was a lie?”
What if your entire acting career was a lie? What if you were asked profound questions while maintaining a blank stare on your face? What if the blank stare on your face was the defining characteristic of your acting method? What if the star-making machine that created you is a lie? What if you’ve allowed yourself to become a product?
Notice how this image is physiologically impossible.
Next question to ponder: “What if Inception was totally shitty?”
That’s a single-entendre.
Also, Justin Timberlake is on the poster, so you already lost me.
“This is our time.” Let us then seize the day and live it well…by reclining on the hood of a VW Beetle.
This is also a good time to contemplate the return of neon to movie posters. Haven’t seen that since Cocktail.
Aliens Versus Cowboys Versus Photoshop.
I don’t know who wins, but Harrison Ford definitely lost.
Remember what they did to John Turturro in the first Transformers? (Peed on him.) That’s nothing compared to what he gets in the new one. (Looks like forcible robot proctology.)
It’s Sister Act meets Above The Rim!
Now that I know this movie is a thing that exists, I have no choice but to rule that Carla Gugino is officially the hot female version of Morgan Freeman: awesome and talented and totally willing to appear in just about anything.
There are a lot of ways to sell a foreign-language film to Americans. This doesn’t look like any of them.
“Scary,” “sexy,” “trendy”… all reasons why vampire movies are so popular at the moment.
“Belgian”… not so much.
Starring Alec Baldwin as Marlon Brando.
Just kidding, obviously it’s the Chapa family. Who are those guys, you ask? I DON’T KNOW.
Good news: Hayden Christensen is still getting work. (Left-hand corner.) But: Isn’t “burning palms” what teacher told us would happen if we spent too much time with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?
What if I were the cargo? I don’t think I’d like it. But I still would probably like it better than a movie where Tyler Lautner gets to star in action movies.
I guess it takes a certain kind of courage to release a poster this awful, but didn’t Bill Maher once get into a lot of trouble for making a similar comment?
This is like a Family Guy premise. That’s not a compliment.
“Ever have deja vu?”
“Didn’t you just ask me that?”
The release date IS the pitch. That’s pretty scary, actually. Levels of cynicism are off the charts there.
This is making my work too easy. Sarcastic commentary would just be redundant now.
What King Of Kong hath wrought.
Because literally no one demanded it. That’s got to be something, right? Ultimate disinterest? A mathematical nexus called Perfect Apathy.
Anyway, here comes a quick barrage of bewildering posterage…
I’ll leave it to you guys to caption the previous five. Now back to my take:
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One life.
One choice.
One step.
Four characters on the poster.
No idea what you’re talking about.
Where is that water jug coming from, and WHY?
I actually kinda love this poster, but I hope I’m not the only one.
Meanwhile, I’d like to punch everyone who made this poster (and movie) in the brain. It’s too cute to survive on its own in the wild.
No movie character ever seems to plan on love, do they? But it always seems to find them, when they least expect it, like a giant diamond ring rolling down a steep hill! (Good use of symbolism.) (Not generic at all.)
Great title too. Totally isn’t meant to remind anyone of an older, better movie. I’m just sure of it.
Thirty years after The Evil Dead, and I’m not ready to watch another sexual assault by trees. Especially not in a multiplex lobby, thanks.
This is most definitely NOT the place. Turn around, turn around, go back, go back!
