As I’ve been starting to prepare my “Traffic Control” column for May [read April’s here!], I’ve come across a ton of weird, wonderful, and occasionally tragically misguided movie posters, nominally meant to advertise upcoming films.  Here are some of my favorites, with my asshole commentary following each one.

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Ever since this project was announced, and ever since I started covering it for various websites (examples here and here), all I’ve really cared about is the orange chicken fish bird guy.  And here he is!  Despite my lack of interest in all things Green Lantern, I can’t ever hate on a movie that puts this thing on a poster and still expects normal people to come see it.  Really not sure that normal people are drawn in by orange chicken fish bird guys as a marketing angle.  But I know someone who is!  And he’s me!

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How much you want to bet that at some point during this movie, this monkey goes in somebody’s butt?

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Hey buddy: nice dildo hat.  Guess the reason he looks so pissy is because he drew the shortest straw of all the ladies at the bachelorette party.

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From the WTF-inducing trailer, I was worried that this movie was going to be awful. Thankfully, now we know that, in addition to cowboys, religious imagery, and badly-animated vampires, it also has nerds riding on motorcycles made out of airplane parts. So, glad we got that concern cleared up.

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This photograph was taken just three minutes before all birdkind turned on humanity, and penguins developed a taste for rubbery comedic flesh.

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Aw, fuck.

Good luck sleeping!

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Uh, before I send in my RSVP, I’d like to know a little more about the party.  No offense, I’m a big fan of Ernest Borgnine, but I’ve seen Strange Wilderness. It’s not so hard to get Ernie on the VIP list these days.

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For the three people who thought that Moulin Rouge was lacking in just two things: John Turturro, and marionettes.

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Ah, yes. The Double Life Of Walter.  Clearly a much better title than The Beaver.

Still not loving the title.  But loving the idea that a little blond moppet with a baby-fro gets equal facetime on the poster with Academy-Award-winning Jodie Foster.

You’re already asking me to go see a movie where Mel Gibson talks to a puppet. Now you want me to read, too?

Leave it to the French to put Mel in bed with the puppet.

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You’ve been Goldfingered!

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I don’t know, this poster is missing something — can we get something that looks much cheaper?  With a much sadder tagline?

Yeah, that’s the ticket.

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White Guilt: The Movie.

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Kinda looks like McConaughey is rolling down the window to haggle with a hooker, doesn’t it?  Just rolling up in his limo, “Awl right, awl right, awl right!” No?  Maybe it’s the alternate-language title “El Inocente” that made it all seem so much seedier.

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Adjust the film, please. You’ve got the kids’ legs up over their heads. That don’t look (or sound) right.

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For all those who’ve been hoping to see a Smurf publicly guillotined, your day has come.

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Winner of the nationwide high school art class design-a-poster contest.  Now let’s see how the studio pros handle the same campaign.

Penelope Cruz T.F.’ing a couple swords.  Much improved.  That’s why they get paid the big bucks, kids.

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This is only here because I just found out that it exists.  Due to overwhelming demand!

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As an eternal John Carpenter fan, I can’t wait to see The Ward.  From the looks of this foreign-made poster, maybe I won’t have to.  This looks like the butchered black-market street version.  Is there a country on Earth where this poster could be considered alluring?  Here in America, you’d have to sell the DVD at bargain prices, with a packet of dick-enlargement pills and some breath mints.

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Um. What kind of movie is this, again?  Is this guy’s superhero name “The Mad Tickler”?

The King Of “Ass-Guard”?  He’ll need an ass-guard, with that Mad Tickler running around behind him.

Besides that, this Thor poster isn’t all that bad. It’s just that it reminds me of one of my favorite sad movie posters of all time…

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[For more of this kind of behavior, remember to follow me on Twitter.]

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