Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Not Be So Excited About Beyonce Being Pregnant.

Posted: August 29, 2011 in Comedy

Look, it’s not like I’m some ogre begrudging her happiness.  Guess I could be called a Beyonce fan, since she’s one of the consistently less-offensive of modern pop stars, and all I really have to do to prove my appreciation is show the receipt from buying her most recent album.

Still, it makes no sense that the rest of us should act so thrilled when she makes the garish announcement on the MTV VMAs that she has been weighted with the spawn of Jay-Z.  Last I checked, this kid isn’t gonna cure the economic crisis, although it did make that pesky hurricane go away.  (Hey, if it’s a girl, that’s the name right there: “Irene Knowles Carter Cash.”)

So I see the Twitter trends, and as is true of so many popular subjects, I just don’t get it.  There is no good reason why anyone, besides possibly Beyonce and her family, should have the least bit of enthusiasm about this news, and here’s why:

10.  Watch the “Watch The Throne” jokes. Once they start, they will not stop.

9.  Pregnancy hastens anatomical collapse of Beyonce’s jelly; here’s what mom looks like.  (If you’re a heterosexual man, you are not excited about this news. Say goodbye to this…)

8.  Collabo with Eastwood and DiCaprio has already been scrapped.  (If you are a fan of interesting film projects, you are not excited about this news.)

7.  Announcement confirms notion that Beyonce and JZ have had sex at least once. (That’s one evil mental image.)

6.  Inevitable syrupy balladry about motherhood.

5.  Inevitable mothering advice for “B” from Gwyneth Paltrow.

beyonce + gwyneth

4.  One-hundred-percent chance of obnoxious baby name. Bet on some euphemism for “son of God.”

3.  And you thought Will and Jada’s kids were grandiose?

2.  Fifty/fifty chance of kid looking like dad.

1.  Kanye to co-produce.

  1. m.petteruti says:

    personally, I think it was staged. beyonce did not want to look mommie ized if you will. She is a reptilian, shape shifting morph. No respect for her marrying Jay z , he should have been brought up on conspiracy charges concerning Cathy Whites murder.Guess he has to much money to contact somebody SO DRUNK IN LOVE WHICH IS WHAT U ARE MURDERING CATHY WHITE PEOPLE WE HAVE MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN THESE 2

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