Look, it’s not like I’m some ogre begrudging her happiness. Guess I could be called a Beyonce fan, since she’s one of the consistently less-offensive of modern pop stars, and all I really have to do to prove my appreciation is show the receipt from buying her most recent album.
Still, it makes no sense that the rest of us should act so thrilled when she makes the garish announcement on the MTV VMAs that she has been weighted with the spawn of Jay-Z. Last I checked, this kid isn’t gonna cure the economic crisis, although it did make that pesky hurricane go away. (Hey, if it’s a girl, that’s the name right there: “Irene Knowles Carter Cash.”)
So I see the Twitter trends, and as is true of so many popular subjects, I just don’t get it. There is no good reason why anyone, besides possibly Beyonce and her family, should have the least bit of enthusiasm about this news, and here’s why:
10. Watch the “Watch The Throne” jokes. Once they start, they will not stop.
9. Pregnancy hastens anatomical collapse of Beyonce’s jelly; here’s what mom looks like. (If you’re a heterosexual man, you are not excited about this news. Say goodbye to this…)
7. Announcement confirms notion that Beyonce and JZ have had sex at least once. (That’s one evil mental image.)
6. Inevitable syrupy balladry about motherhood.
5. Inevitable mothering advice for “B” from Gwyneth Paltrow.
4. One-hundred-percent chance of obnoxious baby name. Bet on some euphemism for “son of God.”
3. And you thought Will and Jada’s kids were grandiose?
2. Fifty/fifty chance of kid looking like dad.
1. Kanye to co-produce.