COMBO PACK! April/May 2012’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

Posted: May 15, 2012 in Movie Posters, Movies, Posters

Due to some major real-world complications I couldn’t get this column (or much else) together in April, but that’s the bad news.  The good news is that, as always, I’ve been steadily amassing grist for the mill, which means I now have twice as many dumb posters as usual to share with you this time.

If you’re new to this feature, the game is simple.  It’s just me riffing off movie posters.  If anything bothers you, try to relax.  It’s all in fun.  There’s no real malice intended (except for a couple cases, but they’re asking for it.)

This is done out of my love of movies and movie artwork.  No other reason.  Oh, and to entertain you, the reader, but that ought to go without saying.

Let’s see what kind of trouble I can get up to this time…

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It was a dark day for humanity, when the giant floating celebrity heads appeared off the Malibu coast.

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“Danny got some bad ass, and now he’ll not stop until he gets a better piece.”

The poster is great. That’s not what I’m saying.  All I’m saying is this:  Our national usage of the word “ass” — sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes it’s a bad thing, sometimes it’s so bad it’s good, sometimes it’s good and bad at once — is confusing sometimes.

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Danny Trejo is usually well-served by posters.  But some stars aren’t as fortunate (or as intimidating).  Poor Jason Ritter, for example, has a knack for getting stuck on the most eye-wrecking posters.  This month it happens to be this one…

…But you might remember this one from back in March.

It’s officially a trend.  Sorry, Jason Ritter.

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I like the girl on her cell phone, like “I think that lady next to me was in Borat!”

More than that, I like the kid’s shrugging-it-off expression in the foreground, that typical pose you see on posters for comedies that aren’t all that funny: “You got me!  I’m on a poster for a weed movie wearing a weed T-shirt.  What can I say?  Shit’s crazy, right?”

I also wish Faizon Love was on the Piranha 3DD poster (see below) rather than this one.

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For a dose of class and sophistication, you can always rely on monster-talent Oren Peli.  When dealing cinematically with the matter of a historic nuclear tragedy that afflicted thousands with cancer and death, the artistic mastermind to turn to is definitely the one who made Paranormal Activity so he can turn the whole scene into the setting for another one of his poorly-shot found-footage movies where absolutely nothing happens.  Coming in 2013: The Dachau Notebooks.

Where’s my damn sarcasm hashtag when I need it?

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This poster only officially qualifies as unfortunate when you realize how long and how hard they’ve been working on it.

(A veteran of this column, Cold Light Of Day has also appeared in the February installment.)

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“Dreams Come True”?  I’ll say!  You know how long I’ve been hoping and praying for a James Cromwell Western?

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Here Simon Pegg experiments with the boundaries of how far his devoted nerdy fanbase will follow him.

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First Position: Ballet in the middle of a city street in the blinding sun.

Second Position:  [SPLAT.]

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No snark or criticisms.  This poster is good for the world.  Put it up everywhere.

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Do not promise me something you are not willing to provide.  I’m expecting robots and you’re giving me romantic comedy?  Don’t say the word Godzilla and give me nothing more than Kate Hudson.  It’s a dangerous game you play.

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“Huh. Wouldja look at that? Somebody set The Rock’s pants on fire. The Rock can smell what The Rock is cooking.  It smells like burnt pubes.  The Rock want retaliation!”

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Orlando Bloom is your Elijah Wood now.

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I must be way out of step with the zeitgeist, because America seems to love movies about Meryl Streep’s sex life and I… do not count that among my interests.

Which is the more bizarre love triangle: Meryl Streep/ Alec Baldwin/ Steve Martin, or Meryl Streep/ Tommy Lee Jones/ Steve Carell?

You guys come up with an answer, I’ll be over here with my head in a garbage can.

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Knowing what I know about this movie, in that it’s a “romantic comedy” about the invention of the vibrator, I now shudder to think about what’s going on with Lady Bracknell there on the bottom area.

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As someone who appreciates the music of Hank Williams, I’ve got no problem with the premise, the title, or even the poster.  I’ve only got to take issue with the names on the poster.  Henry Thomas (ET and Gangs Of New York), Jesse James (not the one you may be thinking of), Fred Dalton Thompson of politics and Die Hard 2, and Kaley Cuoco of The Big Bang Theory:  None of these strike me as ideal casting for the country-music legend.

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A sad day for the great Eugene Levy, a glad one for his accountant.

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Well, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see this movie before, but now I am totally absolutely sure.

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They remade Armageddon using nerds.

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We’re going to have to push past the weirdo-tandem of Udo Kier and Norman Reedus in the bottom squares, and to especially push past the guy in the upper left square (kind of a Cameron-Diaz-meets-Sonny-Landham type), in order to talk about the fact that David Carradine is still appearing in new movies despite his death in 2009.  David Carradine is like the Tupac of movies.  Although Tupac was in movies, so maybe we should consider Tupac to be the David Carradine of rap.

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Look beyond all those colors and check out the cast list:   Toni Braxton, Chloris Leachman, Christopher Lloyd, Chazz Palminteri, Cary Elwes, AND Jaime Pressly.  Those are six people who wouldn’t make sense living in the same zip code, let alone being grouped together in one movie.  That’s one thing that makes me want to see this, and the other thing is the fact that it’s a horror movie.

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In a foot race?  Just because I don’t know the other two and I don’t think Bob Hoskins is as quick as he used to be, I’m betting on the horse.

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Good news, movies:  The new Mena Suvari you didn’t order has arrived.

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Yes.  You’re Elizabeth Banks and Chris Pine.  You’re extremely talented and attractive.  People like you.  I like you.  Just try not to rub it in, okay?

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It must be nice, to live without shame.

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There are many people out there who believe in exorcisms, so I don’t want to step on any theological toes.  Still, science would suggest that no exorcism has ever begun or ended with a ghost hand reaching out of a person’s stomach and grabbing their face.  A couple cases of tapeworm ended that way, maybe, but that’s it.  (Has there ever been a tapeworm-exorcism movie?  Shouldn’t there be one?)

Alternate observation:  Ever notice how the more “serious” exorcism movies rely on gross-out imagery which wouldn’t be out of place in an Evil Dead movie?

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As atrocious as this may look, keep in mind:  Bon Jovi think they’re too good for this.

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Neat idea:  A political dance movie.  Imagine how many more hearts the Occupy Wall Street movie could turn if the protestors were to bust out some sexy club dancing in the streets.  Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo had its political overtones, but its scope was limited.  Turbo and Ozone were only concerned with saving Miracles.  Step Up Revolution is looking to save the world!

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There’s an inevitability to this poster.  I’m not sure I can explain it.  It has something to do with the pairing of mainstream comedian and indie sweetheart in an artier movie than usually — it’s not far from Adam Sandler & Emily Watson or Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet to get to Seth Rogen and Michelle Williams.  It also has something to do with the young-people-sitting-on-the-front-stoop-surrounded by autumnal-colors movement in romantic-comedy poster design.  What is more promising about this poster campaign is A) “written & directed by Sarah Polley” who is smart and talented and B) the second poster.

More indie-movie posters should be interrupted by Sarah Silverman.  There aren’t many that couldn’t be improved that way.

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Hey, forty doesn’t seem so bad if you appear younger than ever and are allowed to actively shit while appearing on a movie poster.  The only thing that should bother anybody is the blatant product placement (“Honey, when you’re done brushing your teeth and I’m done dropping this hedgehog, do you want to stop by the Genius bar for an upgrade?”)

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You’re right, the poster isn’t particularly laughable.

But the teaser trailer is.

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I actually got a screening invite to this movie.  Should I go?

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Either the worst or the best sequel to The Crow.

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I don’t particularly want to travel to Rome with any of these people.  You guys have fun on your trip.  (I like the idea of a road movie where Benigni torments Woody Allen, but you know this is going to be just another thing full of pretentious literary references and old guys hooking up with young women.  Don’t ask me why I’m not a big Woody Allen fan.)

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A lifeless young woman being abducted?  Charming.

You think I’m being sarcastic?  Then you just don’t know how many times I’ve seen a little movie called Mannequin, my friend.

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If you’re an easily-spooked Shia-Labeouf-looking guy, the last thing you want to have on the other side of your apartment door is an armed Dolph Lundgren.

Trust me, I should know.

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That’s my cue to get going.  Have a great month, everybody!

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Find me on Twitter: @jonnyabomb

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