Archive for the ‘Trailers.’ Category

sleepy hollow


FOX has a new show from the writers of the new STAR TREK which re-envisions Washington Irving’s 1820 short story “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” for the modern day.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this information.  I grew up on that short story, and on the 1949 Disney retelling.  I grew up not far from Tarrytown where the story is set. I went to haunted hayrides there.  In high school I drew pictures of the Headless Horseman while other kids were trying weed for the first time.  This is a story that has a lot of power for me.  This is a property I know about, more than most.

There’s stuff I like about the promo footage.  I like seeing Clancy Brown (STARSHIP TROOPERS) in anything, although it doesn’t look like he makes it out of the pilot.  I like Nicole Beharie, the female lead, having just seen her in 42 and thinking she made near-angelic sweetness a believable human characteristic there.  I like the idea of the Headless Horseman running rampant through the very bucolic Dobbs Ferry.

But there’s some bizarro stuff in here too.  The premise is that Ichabod Crane, who in this incarnation fought with George Washington, is woken up 250 years into his future, where his nemesis the Horseman has been once again causing trouble.  First of all, that’s Rip Van Winkle, if you know your Irving, but neither that nor the fact that Ichabod has been stripped of his characteristic cowardice is what worries me nearly as much as THE CONSPIRACY.  Oh no, the conspiracy! The back-of-the-dollar-bill spooky-eye pyramid Illuminati conspiracy!  I’m not being sarcastic.  I’m actually concerned.  Concerned that this is going to be turned into NATIONAL TREASURE: THE SERIES.  I don’t watch those movies, the same way I don’t watch DA VINCI CODE movies, because I’m not interested in historical conspiracies.  I’m interested in ghost stories.  Especially when it comes to SLEEPY HOLLOW, I’m interested in the ghosts.  And on top of everything, here they’ve got the spectral swordsman wielding automatic rifles just like he’s Val Kilmer in HEAT.

It’s adequate cause for concern, is all I’m saying.  There are ways to allay worries.  (I am, as always, eminently hirable as consultant on matters of supernatural accuracy.)

Anyway here’s the trailer.  You decide for me.  Keep an eye out for a special guest appearance by the tagline from Tim Burton’s 1999 SLEEPY HOLLOW ad campaign!

Sleepy Hollow (1999)


Arrested Development Season 4

It’s possible you may have heard something vague about Netflix bringing back the cult TV series ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT for one more season. There’s been some talk. (Enough mock-naïveté: It’s one of the biggest pop-culture stories of the year.) The show originally ran for three little-watched seasons on Fox, but it since has gained in popularity over the years, as its talented cast got more work as a direct result of their go-f0r-broke kamikaze comedy, and as word spread amongst comedy fans on how ridiculously funny and expertly constructed it was. Most people discovered the show through watching the seasons via Netflix, so it’s fitting that Netflix is where the fourth season will be exclusively available.

Here’s the trailer:

You’d definitely want to be up on the show before you watch the new episodes. There are a lot of long-running jokes that look to be making their triumphant return. Along those lines: the banana stand. It’s a long story, but the once-wealthy now-struggling Bluth family have a particularly wackadoo side venture, a stand that sells frozen bananas. That idea sounds kind of awesome to me but crazy to most people, so it was a routine source of hijinks on the show.

The banana stand has been making real-life appearances (along with some members of the cast and crew) in various locations to promote the show’s return. This week it’s been at Yankees Stadium and in Columbus Circle, and today, from 11am to 5pm, it’ll be in front of the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. You can line up for free frozen bananas and possibly more, if you show up in costume. Follow @ArrestedDev for daily location updates and more information. I’m not sure where this thing is going next, but you can be sure there’ll be some real weirdos there!

And follow me @jonnyabomb, because I’m never nude.

Never Nude

NETFLIX  "Arrested Development" Bluth's Original Banana Stand New York City Opening

NETFLIX  "Arrested Development" Bluth's Original Banana Stand New York City Day 2 Columbus Circle


Check out this trailer to GO GOA GONE, which is the first Indian stoner comedy I’ve ever heard about.  It’s a KUMAR & KUMAR, if you will.

Hey, it’s also a zombie movie!  I know, I know.  Too many zombie things.  But I don’t know if I agree with that sentiment.  What are zombies?  Zombies are dead people.  If you think you’re tired of zombies, you’re kind of saying you’re tired of people. And what kind of misanthrope is tired of people?  Now, if you mean you’re tired of shitty zombie stuff, I’m with you brother.  I’ve been burned worse than anybody.

That’s why I’m liking this new wave of international zombie comedies.  It probably began with SHAUN OF THE DEAD.  I’m not the universe’s biggest fan of that movie but I love how it’s been inspiring other countries to offer up their own renditions.  The cult success of SHAUN OF THE DEAD begat the cult success of ZOMBIELAND, and now we’re off and running.  Norway has DEAD SNOW.  New Zealand has BLACK SHEEP.  Japan has BIG TITS ZOMBIE.  (Oh, Japan.)  After many decades of no horror movies at all, Cuba came out swinging last year with JUAN OF THE DEAD, a really enjoyable zombie flick which I really need to write about one of these days.

GO GOA GONE, the first of its kind out of India.  Is it any good?  Who the hell knows?  Will I check it out?  Who the hell would doubt it?

Follow GO GOA GONE on Twitter!

And follow me also!: @jonnyabomb








Pacific Rim Elysium (2013) Anchorman 2

There are some potentially great movies coming out this year. Go anywhere else on the internet and you will read about movies like PACIFIC RIM and ANCHORMAN 2 and THE WORLD’S END and ELYSIUM. I’m excited about those too. There’s also all the obvious nerd bait like STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS and HUNGER GAMES 2 and THOR THE DARK WORLD. Not really my thing, but it’s certainly understandable if those are the kind of titles that make your heart do a happy dance.

But step off the beaten path with me. Let’s take a moment to give some attention to the real weirdos out there. Let’s look at some of the movies of 2013 which no one in their right mind is looking forward to. I’m not talking about intentional cult items like MACHETE KILLS or ESCAPE PLAN. Those movies are that guy or girl at the party who’s trying too hard to be sexy and therefore failing big for exactly that reason. I’m talking about the ugly guys or girls who just don’t give a fuck what you think they look like. They just wandered in off the street because they got a whiff of the guacamole dip.

This isn’t about schadenfreude.  Well, not really. I mean, I’m no saint. There are a couple movies I wouldn’t mind watching crash and burn. In that category are ENDER’S GAME — written by a bigot, directed by the guy who made X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE; sure, no way that pairing could go wrong — and a pair of Vince Vaughn movies, one where he hangs out at Google for an entire movie and another movie where he plays a sperm donor, because no one learned anything from THE SWITCH and holy Lord do I ever not want to see or ever be asked to think about Vince Vaughn donating sperm.

But generally, my natural good nature wins out and I am a sweetheart who only wishes the best for everyone. Still, there are some movies coming up in 2013 whose very existence perplexes me. And that in turn makes me curious. Call me a a jerk, a creep, a kook, a contrarian, a nihilist, an anarchist — I’ve been called all of those things before and that was only this morning at the nunnery — but I like really bizarre movies that make no rational sense, and I like it even better when those movies turn out to be entertaining.  So the following bunch is a group I’ve got my eye on in 2013 (some are getting real close now!):


Assault on Wall Street (2013)


Why It Could Be Cool:


Why It Probably Won’t Be:



Java Heat (2013)

JAVA HEAT (May 10)

Why It Could Be Cool:

It’s the caveman version of HEAT!

Why It Probably Won’t Be:

Mickey Rourke may actually be an Al Pacino, but Kellan Lutz is no Robert De Niro. I mean, maybe he is. I’ve only seen him in ARENA. He did not come off too brightly there. Also, his name is Kellan Lutz.




Why It Could Be Cool: “From the producer of SPIDER-MAN, X-MEN, and IRON MAN…”

Why It Probably Won’t Be: …And the director of SOUL SURFER!


Sinbad The Fifth Voyage (2010)


Why It Could Be Cool:

Pseudo-stop-motion-animated skeletons!

Why It Probably Won’t Be:

Skeletons aside, this looks impressively bad. Like ten dollars worth of stolen garbage. I bet you Sinbad doesn’t even do his MacDonald’s milkshake routine!


After Earth (2013)


Why It Could Be Cool:  Will Smith! A clone of Will Smith! Space! Volcanoes! Monkeys!

Why It Probably Won’t Be: M. Night Shyamalan.

But that also means it could be as funny as THE HAPPENING. At this point, Shammy is probably done for as a serious director. But as a director of hilariously-solemn unintentional-comedies, he’s got a better shot than most.


Axe Giant


Why It Could Be Cool:  Well, it’s a horror movie about the legendary giant lumberjack Paul Bunyan.  Ain’t a thing I can say I’ve ever seen before, and brother, I’ve seen plenty.  Also, while there are no signs from the trailer or the official site, there’s still a better-than-average chance of a cameo from Babe The Blue Ox.

Why It Probably Won’t Be: Actually, I have no reason to expect it won’t be amazing.


Hammer of the Gods (2013)


Why It Could Be Cool: It’s a movie about Vikings!

Why It Probably Won’t Be: Vikings that say “Kiss my axe.”


R.I.P.D. (2013)

R.I.P.D. (July 31)

Why It Could Be Cool: I’ll never not have hope for a movie that has Jeff Bridges and James Hong in it, and unlike most of the huge movies this summer, this one seems to have a sense of humor about itself.

Why It Probably Won’t Be: It’s trying way, way hard to be both GHOSTBUSTERS and MEN IN BLACK at the same time. See if you can spot the big, gaping difference.


The Frozen Ground (2013)


(No trailer yet.)

Why It Could Be Cool:  Cage versus Cusack. Hate to paraphrase myself so quickly, but: It’s like HEAT for weirdos.

Why It Probably Won’t Be:  This comes to us from 50 Cent’s production company, Cheetah Vision, and yes, 50 Cent co-stars in the film.  50 Cent’s movies are becoming an obsession of mine — not because they’re particularly awful, but because they aren’t particularly good, despite often tremendous casts.  Also, NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT THEM.  He’s so famous yet his movies are so under-the-radar.  But that’s a much longer conversation.  THE FROZEN GROUND is based on a true story.  John Cusack plays Robert Hansen, the notorious serial killer, and Nicolas Cage plays the Alaskan cop who hunts him down.  It’s no secret that Cage, once (and still) a tremendously gifted and unconventional actor, took a severe detour into mostly silly movies.  It’s less commented-upon that John Cusack has kind of done the same thing.  There’s an outside chance that a movie teaming the two of them could end up being great, but even if it doesn’t, it can still be colossally entertaining.


Don Jon

DON JON (October 18)

Why It Could Be Cool:  Joseph Gordon-Levitt is one of the smartest actors around and this is the first movie he wrote and directed.  He seems to have brought his old accent from LOOPER along, and that was surely a fine movie.  Scarlett Johannsson, who is also great, is his co-star, and she looks particularly phenomenal in this trailer.

Why It Probably Won’t Be:  Well it still could be.  There’s a ton of major talent involved. But I have to admit, and you probably should also, that if it were anyone other than Joseph Gordon-Levitt making this movie, there’d be plenty of cause for agita.  It’s hard to escape the suspicion that JGL came up with this movie back when Jersey Shore was hot.  It’s tough not to notice that Scarlett is using one of her SNL accents.  It impossible not to consider that porn addiction is pretty difficult to make charming on film. And on top of all that, Tony Danza.


The Butler (2013) The Butler (2013)

THE BUTLER (October 18)

Why It Could Be Cool: There are a lot of good actors in this movie.

Why It Probably Won’t Be: Watch the trailer. Listen to and look at all the shit those good actors are made to do, say, and wear. Listen to that music. Have you done all three? Great! Now your incontinence is cured!



GALLOWWALKER(S) (release date unknown, may actually have already been out for two years)

Why It Could Be Cool:

It’s exactly BLADE, but then also a Western!

Why It Probably Won’t Be:

I mean let’s be reasonable with our expectations here.


Bookmark this page because I will be updating it as I discover more beautiful treasures!



Look, I know you’ve seen this trailer twenty times on twenty different sites already. I’m not trying to be a Jonny-come-lately. (Depending on who you ask, I don’t have to try too hard to be that.) I just wanted to have a place on my own site, where I could watch it twenty times with that much more ease.

A lot of friends have asked me what I think of this Django Unchained thing so far, knowing what an insane aficionado of “spaghetti” Westerns I am. And sure, I could quibble. You really want me to quibble? Okay. Well, I initially took mock-umbrage at the fact, despite obviously recognizing that it’s meant as an in-joke, that Franco Nero is the one to whom Jamie Foxx instructs, “The D is silent.” Franco Nero knows, motherfucker! That’s the man himself.

But poring over details half a year before the movie opens is not at all my style, and besides, I wouldn’t want anyone getting the impression there’s any other movie I’m more interested in seeing this year. Even when I’m not 100% in sync with Quentin Tarantino’s stuff (which I wasn’t, not 100%, with the Kill Bills or Inglourious Basterds), I adore the way the guy shakes things up, and it’s thoroughly apparent that we have pretty damn similar taste in movies. For example, Quentin has called The Good The Bad & The Ugly “the best-directed movie ever made.” It’s my favorite movie so I suppose I agree. Also, the rise to fame of celebrity fans like QT is largely what has created the current abundance and availability of restored cult films and “spaghetti” Westerns on home video, which is to be appreciated. I wouldn’t have half my DVD collection if it weren’t for guys like Quentin, and the attention he’s brought to forgotten films and stars and directors. Then there’s what he’s contributed to the repertory circuit. That, in addition to the movies he’s made, is a major legacy. Quentin Tarantino is a friend to “spaghetti” Westerns, so he’s a friend to me.

So to see Quentin’s own take on that genre? Yeah, you could surely say I’m curious.

Talk to me on Twitter: @jonnyabomb

Wrote this routine three years ago, still enjoy it, hope you will too.
There is something very wrong with me.
I saw the G-Force trailer for the first time the other day, and have been obsessed with this movie ever since. It opens tomorrow. I live in fear that the demons that drive me will drive me to the theater and force me to spend precious money on opening-weekend admission tickets.  Take a look:
G-Force is about a team of specially trained guinea pigs who work as covert operatives for the government. They can talk and they like to have adventures and also, to fart.
This is a high-concept so incredibly shitty that I am entirely drawn to it.  It appeals to the most childish and irresponsible side of my imbecilic nature. 
Smarty-pants comedians always bring this up, but movies like this truly ARE why the terrorists hate us.  Only in America could many millions of dollars be directed not towards curing cancer or feeding our homeless, but in animating, producing, and marketing [everywhere] a movie about farting guinea pigs.
Well, the terrorists are dicks, and they’re always pissed off about something anyway, so screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke.  Bring on the farting guinea pigs! As long as you know, they don’t make me think about those sick or poor people.
The terrorists also hate this movie because somewhat insanely, this premise isn’t too far from reality. Periodically, the eagle-eyed news reader will notice various articles that mention various U.S. military attempts to use animals in warfare. I’m sure that real-world verity was on the minds of the makers of this movie!
Here are some reasons to rejoice in the impending arrival of G-Force:
1. Besides guinea pigs, it stars Zach Galifianakis!  Yay!  You fell in love with him after The Hangover, America – now watch a brilliantly original stand-up comedian stumble sleepily through a loosely-scripted, massively-budgeted Hollywood monolith.  (In all honesty, this IS something I would like to watch.)  Also, Zach Galifianakis kind of looks like a chinchilla already, so I guess it’s appropriate casting.
Other talented people who will get a paycheck out of G-Force: Will Arnett, Steve Buscemi, Jon Favreau, Tracy Morgan, Bill Nighy, Sam Rockwell, Loudon Wainwright III (Undeclared fans represent!).  Whatever keeps people like these working can’t be an entirely bad thing.  Hopefully the G-Force money allows them the freedom to do other, more interesting things – particularly Buscemi and Favreau, who are directors who have made movies (Trees Lounge; Made) that have inspired me in the past.
2. Featuring the voice of Penélope Cruz!  Yay!  Of the diverse possible reasons to like Penélope Cruz, I would have ranked her phonetic aptitude and her comedic timing close to the bottom of the list, but okay, maybe she’s been waiting for this exact movie to display those deeply-buried talents.
3. Also featuring the voice of Tracy Morgan!  Yay!  This is a win-win for comedy fans and for film producers, because if Tracy shows up, you get the benefit of his unhinged delivery, and if he gets distracted and wanders away from the ADR studio, you can hire underground rapper Kool Keith to do the voice and still advertise with the bigger star’s name. 
Seriously, if you closed your eyes, could you entirely tell whether you were listening to Tracy or to Keith?  Two different talents, one similar voice.
4. Directed by Hoyt Yeatman!  Yay!  Another visual effects supervisor getting a shot at directing a feature film!  Why take a chance on one of the thousand directors in Hollywood who have been studying cinematic storytelling for decades when you can get an ace VFX guy?  At least the guinea pigs will look believable!  (Until 3 months from now, when the outdated CG will look archaic and clumsy.)
5. Screenplay by “The Wibberleys”! Yay!  Even the credits are adorable!  Actually, a quick IMDB search for The Wibberleys reveals that they are a married couple who have provided the scripts for some of the most awful big-budget sequels of the past decade.  I don’t enjoy criticizing fellow writers, but the fact remains, they’re hacks.  Is it a criticism if it’s a fact?  Like “that mud is dirty” or “that fart smells bad”?
I bring up farts, of course, because farts are a major selling point in the G-Force trailer. I’m as immature as the next guy, but when I calm down for a minute I like to picture the writing session that birthed such moments:
The G-Force are riding at super-speed in a space-age exercise ball. One of the guinea pigs lets out a thunderous FART that would shock even Carlos Mencia.
Yuck! Disgusting!
Roll down the window!
These things don’t have windows!”
Dang!  Look at that expert screenplay construction.  Take that, Charlie Kaufman!
Please note:  The Wibberleys are Writer’s Guild members who command multiple-figure salaries, and I am not.  Who you gonna listen to?
Sometimes life is so ridiculous that a sane man’s only recourse is to take a break from the fight and just enjoy the senselessness of it all.


That’s The INtouchables, not The UntouchablesThe Untouchables is a good movie which I’d have no problem watching again anytime.  Let’s have one excellent moment together before the darkness descends.

That was nice.  Now back to The Intouchables.

Here’s how IMDb describes The Intouchables:

After he becomes a quadriplegic from a paragliding accident, an aristocrat hires a young man from the projects to be his caretaker.

Here’s how the otherwise terrific IFC Center described The Intouchables when it played there this spring:

A phenomenon in France, where it shattered box-office records to become the second most successful film of all time, The Intouchables tells the true story of the unlikely friendship between a handicapped white millionaire (François Cluzet) and his unconventional Senegalese caretaker (breakout star Omar Sy). A Weinstein Company release.

And here are trailers:


Now I’m going to make fun of this, and I don’t think I care who it offends.

The reason I say that is because the only people who I care about offending are the same exact ones who would be offended by the very idea of this movie.  Maybe it’s not my place to advocate for the groups who are diminished by a movie like this one, but remember what Edmund Burke said — “all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”  In other words, if I’m not able to make fun of a movie released in 2012 where a rich white guy hires a poor black guy to be his manservant and we’re expected to see it as uplifting just because he’s in a wheelchair, then we all lose.

How patronizing, facile, clumsy, calculated, shallow, insincere, maudlin, ignorant, superficial, saccharine, simplistic, etc., etc., infinity, can one trailer be?  You might be able to get away with this shit in Europe, but don’t go bringing it to my country and expect me to receive it with a gentle kiss on both cheeks.  To be fair to the filmmakers, I’ve not seen the entire movie.  But to be fair to myself, I ain’t never gonna.

I saw the trailer at the front of a DVD I watched recently, and my hatred immediately ignited as soon as the following exchange transpired:

“These street guys have no pity.”

“That’s what I want… no pity.”

Holy shit, dude.  Not “Hey, you’re wrong about those ‘street guys’, and you shouldn’t generalize, my privileged racist friend”, but “You’re totally right about those black guys — I mean, street guys — and that’s the kind of cruelty I need!”

It’d be a lot easier to take if there weren’t an adorable lil’ Hitler joke a minute later.

Or how about the way that the white guy becomes a quadriplegic from a hang-gliding accident, and instead of learning his lesson from it, just straps himself to the black guy so he can go hang-gliding again, with cruddy Snow Patrol or whatever that song is soaring on the soundtrack with the wings of a moronic eagle.

I hope there’s a scene where the “street guy” reintroduces the wheelchair guy to the pleasures of the flesh and the herb:

I thought so.

How sweet. Hey, I didn’t know this was a bittersweet comedy about how a lowly thug teaches a self-defeating rich man how to love life again by helping him to smoke weed with Asian hookers. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have been so nasty.

Let’s take a look at some production stills and see if we can’t predict exactly what happens in this movie…

“This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”

“Well, Wheelchair Guy, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.”

Youre the man now, dog!”

And of couse there’s a scene where the Senegalese guy helps the wheelchair guy win a race against two people on Segways.  The fucking French.

“You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder, Wheelchair Guy!”

Nineteen-million French people can’t be wrong, huh?

Honestly it’s not as much the French who are annoying me here.  They don’t know any better.  They don’t have the history with racism, both onscreen and off, that our country has.  Even beyond the repulsiveness of this premise (it’s Finding Forrester meets Awakenings! The Blind Side meets The Christopher Reeve Story!) in the context of everything that has happened in real life in America from slavery to Rush Limbaugh, the lame conventions of modern cinema are strong with this one.  We should be beyond this shit by now.  It’s just as offensive to have a magical minority character who brings joy to the wealthy whiteys as it would be to have a stereotypically villainous minority character.  It’s a bad joke if you’re awake, but I’m sure it could appear sweet and affecting if you’re not keyed into this stuff.  That’s why I’m disappointed in Harvey Weinstein, a savvy businessman who should have more of a social conscience — The Weinstein Company picked up The Intouchables for distribution in the States and bought the rights to a remake.  With any luck, Meryl Streep and Tyler Perry can star in a Garry Marshall film and everyone involved can make a bundle off everybody in America who never actually met anyone of another ethnicity.  See, if you actually have a diverse social circle than you know that we’re all just people.  Nobody has mystical abilities, and no one’s problems are solved by anything so easy as a kite ride.  It’s either ignorant or consciously exploitative to sell a movie like this — now which kind of wrong do you want to be?

Maybe I’m the asshole, but I don’t take The Intouchables any more seriously than I take this:


According to the Wikipedia entry on The Intouchables, a Nina Simone song was appropriated for the movie’s soundtrack.  That’s a bit of blasphemy.  Nina Simone would have fucking HATED this movie on sight.  I super-promise it.


If I’m wrong, enlighten me.  But if I’ve got a point, then please hate thoughtfully.  I’m findable on Twitter: @jonnyabomb


It’s an easy comparison to make, but it’s an accurate comparison to make:  This is The Avengers of modern comedy.  It’s gonna be hard to wait for it.  It’s gonna be hard to imagine it’ll be anything other than great.

I also can’t entirely explain it, but the Anchorman 2 trailer and poster somehow totally remind me of NBC’s promos for Smash.  But all that does is make it funnier.


More acute observations can be found on Twitter: @jonnyabomb

Wettest County was on my list of 50 most eagerly-awaited movies of the year.  It’s not called that anymore, though.  Now it’s going by the handle Lawless, a much more generic title which sounds a little cooler after knowing it was generously bestowed upon the movie by none other than Terrence Malick.  Whatever it’s called, it’s a John Hillcoat movie, which after The Proposition and The Road, promises good things.  I’m definitely getting a less-artsy, more-mainstream Public Enemies vibe from the new trailer, but that doesn’t strike me personally as a deterrent.

Check out the trailer, it made Lawless travel that much higher on my want-to-see-now meter:

Find me on Twitter: @jonnyabomb

Darling Companion, which opens today in limited release, has a trailer which had me laughing loudly and obnoxiously for its entire duration every time I saw it pop up in the theaters over the past month.  First watch it, then I’ll give just a few reasons why I think it warrants more ridicule than it’s gotten so far.

Obviously, this is so white it makes Grand Canyon look like Do The Right Thing.  But there are other reasons to make fun of it first:

1. Richard Jenkins yelling out “Shit!” and being blatantly, hysterically over-dubbed to say “Shoot!” (oo:35)

2. Sam Shepard, who only a couple years ago could have had the Kevin Kline role, is now playing the obligatory cantankerous coot. (00:37)

3.  All the old white people sadly screaming “Freeway!” with no apparent awareness that by now, no one under the age of 70 wants to see this movie.  (oo:40)

4.  One of these honky assholes pets the dog with her stinky bare feet.  No wonder he ran away.  (00:47)

5.  “You know more about your patients than you do about your own family.”  Yeah well, you married a doctor, sweetheart.  That country house ain’t gonna pay for itself.  (00:50)

6.  The heavily-accented woman starts a monologue about her certainty that the dog is alive.  “The women in my family have a gift. They see things.”  In white-people movies, many times the “racial other” has mystical powers that the more urbane honkies do not possess, so rooted in the material world are they.  (01:00)

7.  This film could use some hot sex appeal.  Cue the Richard Jenkins/ Dianne Wiest sex scene!  (01:15)  Who needs Eva Mendes?

8.  This film could use some quirky humor that all those Zooey Deschanel hipster kids love so well.  Cue Kevin Kline barking at rams!  (01:25)

9.  This film could use a reference to Lethal Weapon 2!  Cue the old dislocated-shoulder gag!  (01:37)

10.  I wonder if they find the dog by the end of the movie?  (02:08)


How does this happen?

Do you know who Lawrence Kasdan is?  You should!  He’s only the guy who wrote Raiders Of The Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back.  He almost literally wrote the book on what we want to see when we go to the movies.  Now he’s writing movies with his wife about rich people who lost a dog that wasn’t technically theirs in the first place.  I’m a huge fan of escapism, clearly, but for some reason movies like Darling Companion explicitly make me remember that our country is in a crippling recession and people are starving every day on the streets while genocide and ill-considered wars rage overseas.  Somehow, I don’t think I will have that problem watching The Avengers.

I think it’s because I know (with reasonable certainty) that Iron Man and Captain America don’t exist, so ironically I’m more willing to play make-believe and to get interested in their imaginary story.  Conversely, I know for a fact that people like the ones Diane Keaton and Kevin Kline are playing in this movie do exist, and I hate those people. I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO GET INVESTED IN THE STORY OF WHINY RICH PEOPLE WHOSE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS GETTING A QUIRKY PSYCHIC TO CONVINCE THEIR RUNAWAY DOG TO COME HOME.

Who is this movie for?  And once you identify them, best to keep them apart from guys like me.  We’re clearly not on the same wavelength.